“You’re the Kind Of Guy” By Hella Cholla
The male and the female? A harmonious blend of the ying and the yang, or polar opposites, from different planets, diametrically opposed in every way? Or is it all a myth in order to sell books about woman being from Venus and men being obsessed with Uranus? Are we really that dissimilar? Where do we differ? Or is the real truth that men are just annoying t*ts? Let’s look at the evidence. When I first co-habited I was shocked to find that upon putting my shirts into the laundry basket they had not magically transported themselves into my wardrobe, washed and freshly pressed a day or two later. This confused me, I panicked, “Arrrgh! What do I wear for work? I’ll have to take the day off and buy new ones!”… When I broached the subject…I was told in no uncertain terms, “I’m not your bloody slave, do your own washing and ironing!!” Was she serious?? How could I possibly do that? I had the next level of “Tomb Raider” to complete, and a rather pressing appointment with the couch from which I’d been looking forward to watching “The Great Escape “on TV again, I had memorised over 80% of the dialogue and intended to spend the afternoon committing the remaining 20% to memory. Alas I was unceremoniously frogmarched by my ear into the kitchen and after being formally introduced to something called “the washing machine” was given a reality check with regard to laundry and household tasks in general.
As I listened, sometimes in stunned silence I slowly began to understand. (“Alas how sad is wisdom when it brings no profit to the man that is wise”)…. The experience was almost as harrowing as finding Santa didn’t exist, and I was saddened that there appeared to be no magical laundry elves. Still reeling with shock I was then schooled in the mystical art of “Doing the Washing.” Despite having some teething problems such as my initial objections to separating the whites from the darks (“Isn’t this some sort of Wash Day Apartheid?”) or pondering weighty questions such as, “is pastel blue a light or a dark in washing terminology? What does one do with beige? And what the Rose Dougall is a “delicate cycle” I managed my first wash! – Ironing proved to be more fun then expected and allowed me to visually enhance my favourite joke “: Q- What goes ring ring – ARRRRRRRGH!!?...A: – “David Blunkett, answering his iron.” Regardless of such side splitting japery my heroic wrestling with a shirt and attempts at ironing the unruly item were dismissed as “painful to watch” We also drew the line at me carrying out complex cooking duties (eg/ Boiling an egg) as my partner said she would like to “have something edible for dinner and live to see Christmas.” In spite of my best efforts she still harbours deep, ill-judged suspicions that men intentionally carry out certain household tasks somewhat kak-handidly to avoid being asked to contribute again. I maintain that I do my best and that she’s just a bit of a fuss-pot, I mean, so what if I don’t vacuum under the couch, who’s to know.? She did say “I’ll know” – my response? “Well I won’t tell if you won’t.” I could also never understand the anguished shriek of “Whose left butter on the butter knife!!” I mean if she’d have discovered engine oil on it, or a small talking tree frog called Horstz I could see the problem. Then she explained the source of irritation (me), which was, maybe I could think about washing it after I’d used it …Ohhhhhh! (*Light bulb appears above head*) I now of course often think about it. But notwithstanding these differences, there have always been men and woman, boys and girls, lads and lasses who want to spend time together, go for a walk, possibly do a spot of courting or maybe have a bite to eat. Often those who have food allergies do not seek pleasure in the gastronomic experience, instead they simply “sing” Many great musical duos careers have been forged on the anvil of the food intolerance. There’s been Peters And Lee, (allergic to carrots) The Carpenters, (allergic to eating) Peaches And Herb, (amusingly named after their allergies) Renée And Renato( Roll mop herrings) The Eurhythmics, (Haggis, smoked meats and Spit Roasted Midge Ure) More recently we have had The White Stripes,( Paul Newman’s Cajun Marinade Sauce) and The Ting-Tings (Scouse/Hotpot). It appears to work rather well though, yes there maybe rows on the tour bus about tidiness and towels but it is a price worth paying surely. One such duo that had been brought to our attention is “Hella Cholla”, a talented musical duo consisting of Hannah (21) who is a singer/songwriter with a love of storytelling and anecdotal lyrics, and Will (22) an intelligent songwriter and guitarist with big hair who has apparently, an “aversion to simple rhymes”. Their brand of fast paced pop was right up our street and made us dance about with glee whilst doing the dishes badly, dropping wet towels on the floor and singularly failing to vacuum behind the couch.
VP: Where did you meet and what’s the name all about?
HC: We met at 6th form college in Cambridge. Hannah sang on a cover of ‘Destiny’ by Zero 7 for Will. The musical relationship that bloomed was something quite beautiful.Will met Jon, the percussionist, at music college in Leeds and various other people have been drafted in from various other places but they are too many to list. ‘Hella Cholla’ means ‘hell of a small-time gangster’. It can also be used as an adjective – ‘That mexican hotdog stand is Hella Cholla’.
VP: How would you describe your music ?
HC: Flamenco Indie pop with soulful vocals and percussion.
VP: What have you released so far and what are your plans in the coming months ?
HC: Our debut, ‘You’re The Kind of Guy’ was released on Jan 28th on download (iTunes etc) on Killer Disc Records. We will have another one out in the summer!
VP: Whats been the most exciting thing you’ve done since being in a band (apart form this interview)?
HC: Annie Mac chose us to feature on an online advent calendar at Christmas. Playing at the Cockpit in Leeds and the Water Rats in Kings cross with some wicked bands. And we got played on BBC radio just the other day!
VP: Who do you both admire musically ?
Will: Rodrigo y Gabriela, Slow Club, Timbaland, Bowie loads but my mind has gone blank
Hannah: Nina Simone, Edith Piaf, Bjork, Imogen Heap, Daft Punk, Justice.
VP: Is there such a thing these days as “good TV?”
HC: If we’re talking in terms of health, then no. Watching TV is much like eating a filthy donner kebab, but for your brain and eyes. Every so often there will be a good program – like a well-cooked premium kebab with fresh salad – but this is rare. Nostalgia also tells us that TV used to be good. It’s not really true. It’s always been bad for you. Will really loves Chuck and Doctor Who though, the massive geek. Hannah likes a healthy balance of Blackadder, Have I Got NewsFor You, Sex and the City and Top Gear. We don’t practice what we preach.
VP: Do you Myspace or facebook and why ?
HC: We’re slags for both. Especially with that new Facebook instant messaging thing? Its like MSN rolled in as well. An amazing way to waste a day of work.
VP: What’was your last musical purchase ?
HC: Will bought Timbaland – Shock Value and Hannah bought the new Hot Chip album.
VP: Facial hair , should it be legalised ?
HC: We would say it should be legalised. However, only on men and only above the point where the face meets the neck. Not below. I won’t get drawn into any debate about any other kind of beard. A beard without a moustache is wrong. A moustache on its own is acceptable in some circles. Mostly cowboys. Sucking a moustache is morally reprehensible. If seen, this activity can be scarring for women and children.
VP: What are the five most pointless things in the world ?
Will: 1) QVC, 2) Most of the products on QVC, 3) Toenail growth 4) Whingeing 5) Earwigs, bloody earwigs. Smelly little buggers and they can give you a right nasty nip.
Hannah’s Online Poker Fake plants and flowers Ugly architecture Awkward small talk Tattoos, such as chinese symbols, that the owner doesn’t understand
Links On Myspace
“Apostrophe ” By Hella Cholla